Concept 2: Rules…Negotiable vs. Non-negotiable
So great, you get your teen to sit down and talk. Now what?????
I like to say, “I am not Monty Hall, I don’t make deals.” This is usually met with confusion, like, “Who the hell is Monty Hall?” (I am old.) And actually, this statement is not true as I do make a lot of deals.
One thing a young person experiences is a lot of rules. Many of these rules exist because someone before them screwed up or was too young to make an appropriate decision–hence the rule.
A major way to get your teen, team, class, etc. to adhere to rules without a huge battle is let them make the rules. Before you freak out and think that is crazy let me explain.
What you do prior to any conversation is sit down and determine what are negotiable vs. non-negotiable rules.
If this is at home, meet with your partner and hammer out a list. There are going to be several things about which you believe very strongly and won’t bend on, but there might also be some where you can be flexible. This is also a good exercise for couples to see where they stand on a variety of issues. They can argue, debate, negotiate between themselves and come to a compromise without fighting in front of the kids.
Examples of rules to discuss depend on age, topic, and audience. Let’s use young kids first. TV watching, candy, video games, computer/Internet use, texting, cell phones–you get the point. After discussion with your partner, you may decide you don’t want your kid having a cell phone until he/she is in high school. This is non-negotiable. You just believe strongly about it. Computer usage is another easy one that will become an argument. You need to decide your bottom line allowance. Is it two hours a night? No limit? What is it?
My point is that you have to have a ‘baseline’ on which you CANNOT waiver. If you do cave and give in, this conversation is over. Toss this article and go back to whatever you were doing because you are screwed.
Okay, now the conversation. Lay out the rules: This discussion is going to be about “house rules” and we are going to cover homework time, computer time, and TV time.
1. Clearly say that we, as parents, have determined some guidelines for some of these items and the others are open to negotiation. First thing a kid will say is, “Can’t we negotiate all of them?” and you say, “NO.” (See the golden rule above.)
- 2. Start with softballs. Make sure you put in a couple items you know you will give on so the kid can get a ‘win’ and feel he/she is part of the decision-making. For example, if you know you are going to be met with huge resistance on the cell phone thing, start with TV time and Internet.
- 3. Lay out the tough ones. This is very important: say what you want and then SHUT UP.
I had sales training a long time ago and one of the major things taught about negotiation was that, after the salesperson gives the cost of the item, the next person to speak is the one who will pay more. The general rule is, “next person who speaks, loses.” When you are talking to your teen about something you consider non negotiable and you give your answer, this rule applies.
Please remember, this is not a debate. You are in charge. You are not here to ‘make a deal’ you are here to be a parent.
